Perfectly Imperfect
by laurapreponfan
Summary: In a world where imperfection is one of those things which is truly certain, how do you know whether it's finally the right time to give up? One-shot.


**Perfectly Imperfect**

 **A/N:**

So, I wrote this in one sitting (which is the reason why the ending is terrible) and I know it sucks but I'm so stressed and I just want to let out all my frustrations in life through writing so here you go. Haha. Reviews would be awesome. Hope you like this one! =)

Apologies for any errors and I don't own anything except my obsession with Vauseman.

-o-o-o-

Piper was tired. She could feel it in every step that she took as she made her way to the bedroom she knew she'd find _empty_ again. She could feel even in the simple way of just breathing. And it was a bone-deep exhaustion where she knew just resting _physically_ wasn't going to be enough.

Popi, her artisanal soap business with her best friend Polly, wasn't working out so well. They have been trying, _doing_ , everything they could just so their sales would go up even just a little bit but being such a new and small business in competition with huge, well-known companies wasn't helping in even just the least bit.

It didn't help that her parents kept reminding her of it, like she wasn't already aware of how much she was _failing_. Every time she would receive a visit or phone call from them, it was almost always the first thing they would ask about, not how she was doing, not whether she was okay.

 _How is that small business of yours? We told you that is never going to work. You should have just listened to us._

Like listening to them was all she ever needed to do for her life to be better, when she was positive that if she did that, she would just be going backwards, going back to that Piper who could never make a decision on her own like she was some imbecile who didn't have the ability to think for herself. No, she had no plans of being that Piper again.

And then there was _Alex_.

Alex, the reason she had finally learned to stand up on her own and be the person she really was and not the person other people wanted her to be. Alex, the woman who made her heart race every time she would look her in the eye. Alex who made everything around her look impossibly beautiful despite all the imperfections there were. Alex, the woman she was deeply, head over heels in-love with.

 _Alex,_ who she had barely seen and talked for the past couple of weeks. Alex, the person she wasn't sure she could still recognize these days.

Alex used to work for an international drug cartel. It was _technically_ how they met because for a tiny fraction of a second after Alex saw her for the first time, all she intended to do was to ask her to be a _drug mule_. But then according to Alex herself, the moment she laid her eyes on Piper, she knew she was different, like she was meant to be so much more in Alex's life.

And so that's where it all began.

They talked, and Alex didn't bother denying what her work was. At first, Piper thought it was just a joke so she didn't really give it much thought. And for a while after she's already found out that it was true, she made herself believe that it was the reason she stayed with Alex despite finding out that the raven-hair had a girlfriend while she pursued her.

But Piper knew deep inside her that even if she instantly knew that Alex wasn't simply joking, even if she was aware of how illegal and dangerous her job was, she still wouldn't have been able to let her go because from the moment she heard that beautiful, sexy raspy voice of hers, Piper knew that Alex was the person she'd been waiting all along to change her life, to make it much more worth living.

So she stuck with Alex, even after the punch in the face she received from her then girlfriend, even after she found out about how serious Alex really was about the kind of work she did, she stayed with her.

And for a while, everything was perfect. Alex brought her all over the world, made her see the beauty she wouldn't have been able to witness if it weren't for Alex. She was suddenly no longer that boring girl from Connecticut who followed every rule there was, simply because the society she grew up in made her think that it was the _only_ way to live life. Her life became so much more exciting and adventurous, and Piper _loved_ it.

And she loved Alex. It was easy looking past every wrong thing she could associate with Alex's job because Alex made it so. They were together. They were _happy_. And they were in love. So what reason did Piper really have to complain about anything at all?

But soon enough, the glitter and the beauty of that life started fading. Piper got tired of travelling from one country to another, only to be left alone in hotel rooms when Alex needed to _work_. And as exhaustion started taking over her, she's also started seeing of how dangerous this life was for her, and especially for Alex.

She'd soon realized that what she loved about all of this wasn't any of the material things she's gotten out of it, or any vacation shed experienced. It wasn't the grandeur of the life she and Alex were living. No, it was simply being with Alex and Alex alone. Piper knew that even if everything else was taken away from her, and Alex would be the only one left stripped down to the very basics, that would have been _enough._

So she told Alex about it, asked her to leave the cartel, begged her to live that life and just start a new one with just the both of them. Much to Piper's surprise, Alex agreed.

And because she was too happy to know that Alex would do that for her, she wasn't able to see how _difficult_ that decision was for Alex. She didn't know how leaving the cartel put them in danger just as much as staying in it. Piper had not been aware that making Alex leave the cartel also meant leaving that only thing Alex held onto to make her believe that there was something she was actually good at. Piper did not know that Alex losing that job also came with the package of losing herself in the process.

Piper didn't know... until it was already few months later and Alex could still not find a job she actually liked, until Alex would barely speak to her anymore either because she was too drunk or too pissed off without Piper having any idea _why_. Piper didn't know how useless Alex felt, and how slowly it was ruining not only her, but especially their relationship.

Piper was only a few steps away from their bedroom when Alex arrived. It halted her steps even though she should have done otherwise. And then she looked at Alex and not to Piper's surprise, she was _of course_ looking so pissed again.

"That fucking guy, I swear to God—"

Alex was brushing off something from her shirt harshly, and she didn't even bother looking at Piper or show any sign that she was aware of her presence. Usually, Piper would ignore this and still approach her anyway but right now, Piper was too done to make any first move for Alex to even acknowledge that she was _there_. So she turned her back on her again and continued making her way to their bedroom.

But she was stopped by Alex's voice, suddenly soft and gone was the annoyance that was there just a few seconds ago. "Hey, babe. I didn't know you were gonna be home early today."

"Yeah," was the only response Piper gave Alex, not stopping her strides towards their bedroom. She was just about to open the door to it when Alex's voice stopped her again.

"Hey!"

Piper, with her hand still wrapped around the door knob, turned her body slightly to look at Alex. "What?" she asked tiredly, her patience running thin because, really, she just wanted to have her _rest,_ and Alex was kind of keeping her from doing that.

"You, uh, might not wanna go in there just yet," Alex said reluctantly, like she was nervous or something. It was uncharacteristic of her but Piper was starting to be too annoyed to really care.

"Why?" she dropped her hand as she exhaled loudly, annoyance evident on her face.

"It's kind of a bit messy, I, uh, did something and I wasn't able to clean up yet."

Now Piper was too pissed and she could feel her temper rising in a really dangerous way. "Jesus Christ, Alex! You're already practically doing _nothing_ every day, and yet you couldn't even do that simple fucking thing of _cleaning_!"

She knew her words stung and she almost regretted them the minute she saw Alex flinch hearing her say them, but then again, Piper couldn't bring herself to that point of caring completely, of being the person who always _apologized_ , who lately had been doing all the _fixing_.

Piper was almost expecting Alex to yell back at her, to continue the fight, because that was all they ever did now anyway. But instead, she fixed her glasses nervously, and it was so out of character that Piper should have known there was something she wasn't seeing in this situation right now and yet she didn't.

"I'm sorry," Alex said so softly Piper almost didn't hear it. But she did. And yet she refused to acknowledge the fact that Alex said these words for the first time in a really long while. And then she brought her hand up and that was the only time Piper noticed she was holding something. "I, uh, brought dinner," she tried to sound happy, and for a while Piper wanted to believe that she actually was. But if Alex had been anything at all lately, it was _unhappy._ So the thought was immediately brushed off until Alex spoke again. "Have you eaten?"

Piper had not taken dinner. Or even lunch for that matter but she didn't have any appetite to eat right now. Not when everything felt so fucking wrong. "Yeah, I ate with Polly before coming home."

"Oh," Alex dropped her gaze, disappointment laced in her tone. Piper felt something twitch inside her chest, like something so sharp was piercing her heart seeing Alex this way and yet she couldn't take anything back. "Okay," Alex dropped the food hazily on the table before making her way towards Piper.

She raised her hands to cup Piper's face but as soon as Piper felt her touch, she immediately stepped away from her like she's been burned, shaking her head as she did so. "Alex... don't. Just... don't."

"P-Pipes, what's wrong? Is everything okay?"

Piper then laughed, but it felt so hollow and empty of humor she almost didn't recognize it coming from her. "No, Alex, everything is _not_ okay! Have you suddenly gone _blind?_ Or numb or _stupid_ that you're not seeing what it really is around here anymore? Everything hasn't been okay for months!"

"Piper..."

"What?! Is the cartel really more important to you than I am that you suddenly lose the fucking will to live just because you're not a part of it anymore? If you didn't want to leave, then why the hell did you?! I didn't force you to do that, Alex. I _asked_ if you wanted to, and I would have been okay if you said you didn't, but you said yes. Without any questions, you said yes you'd leave the cartel for me. But what the fuck is happening now?"

"I'm sorry."

"Is that all you can really say?! That you're sorry? Coz' it's not gonna fix anything."

"Piper, I love you."

"Really, Alex? You _love_ me? Because I haven't felt it in months! And just thinking back, I now doubt whether you've really loved me at all, whether you're really... capable of _that_."

And it was the final straw, the last thing Alex could take. She could take all the anger Piper would throw at her, she could yell at her all she wanted, blame her for everything. Alex would understand because she deserved it.

But Piper, practically telling her that she no longer believed she still loved her, or ever did, that was just too much. And it felt like something was ripped apart inside her, the only thing that was keeping her going, and she felt every pain in every part of her being.

"Okay," Alex said softly, nodding her head without looking at Piper anymore because she knew that if she did that, she would finally fall apart. "Okay," she repeated as she walked towards the bedroom, leaving Piper frozen to her feet.

Piper should have said something then. She saw Alex's reaction to those words, saw just how _hurt_ she was by it. And just as those words left her mouth, she immediately knew just how wrong and far from the truth they were. Of course, Alex loved her. Despite everything that was going on with them, it was the only thing that didn't change.

But it was like seeing how those words broke Alex kept her from moving. She stayed frozen on her spot, unable to do anything but feel the hurt gnawing at her chest at how wrong all of this suddenly felt, at how quickly she was losing Alex.

And then Alex was out of their room, keeping the door shut lightly behind her. She didn't look at her as she made her way to the door and Piper suddenly felt panicked at the sight of Alex _leaving_. That's when she found her voice whispering Alex's name, "Alex..."

Thankfully, it stopped Alex and caused her to look at Piper briefly. But she immediately put her gaze away as soon as she met Piper's eyes and it hurt Piper even more because Alex had never been able to look away from her before. And she didn't realize just how _painful_ that was until now.

Piper wanted to apologize, she knew it was the right thing to do. But instead of doing so, her fear took over and she indirectly voiced it out hoping Alex would read through her words. "Wh-where are you going?" she asked, when what she really wanted to say was _"Don't leave me."_

"Out... I'm-" Alex looked so out of it, like she didn't know what to do or say, like she wanted to just get out of there. "I'm going out." Then she was out of Piper's sight.

The blonde could now feel tears stinging her eyes but before she could finally let them go, Alex was standing at the doorway again. But instead of Piper feeling relief at the sight, she felt her heart shatter into a million pieces instead.

Because Alex was holding a bouquet of flowers, Piper's favourite kind. And Alex was looking at it, her hands trembling a bit. Then she walked hastily back inside but instead of walking towards Piper, she stopped at the table and slowly dropped the flowers there. She looked at it for a few seconds before she turned her gaze to the blonde and that's when Piper finally let her tears spill because Alex's eyes were already wet behind her glasses, her cheeks stained with tears she never really liked shedding.

"You might wanna believe that you would have been okay if I didn't leave the cartel but I know you, Pipes. If I didn't leave the cartel, you would have left me," Alex said softly, but there wasn't any judgment in her tone. She said it as a matter of factly and it stung because Piper knew it was true.

"And I couldn't let that happen. Because I love you. Even if you don't believe it anymore... I love you." Alex paused, waiting for Piper to say anything but the blonde stayed quiet. So Alex spoke again, her voice cracking as she did so, "Happy anniversary."

Before Piper even realized it, Alex had walked out of their place without looking at Piper even after the blonde desperately called out her name.

-o-o-o-

As Alex walked away from Piper, she could feel herself shaking, not from the cold air penetrating through her thin white shirt. The tears has stained her cheeks down to her shirt just like how relationship with Piper seemed stained now, with all the hurt she's caused her, with how much she's failed to fulfill her promise to her that everything would be fine after she's left the cartel.

It was true that after leaving the job she's had for so many years, Alex had started pulling away from Piper, and from just about everything, slightly. But it wasn't because she missed the cartel itself but because she now felt like she's lost the only thing she knew she was _good_ at.

It was difficult transitioning from being someone who was in so much control, who knew what she was doing, to the person who could barely last a week in a job she didn't even like doing. Alex felt powerless and that was hard for someone who thrived for years from all the power she had over anyone she would choose to use it on.

And Alex felt lost. For weeks, she tried acting as if this was all normal and eventually she would get used to this kind of life but weeks turned into months and all she had accomplished was to make Piper hate her, resent her for the person she had become.

Alex was broken and she knew that Piper knew that, she just didn't know why.

It was because she felt like she wasn't _enough_ anymore, that by losing everything she had when Piper first fell in love with her, she'd also lose the love she had for her. And that scared Alex, that scared her more than anything in the world because despite having that time in her life when she had _everything_ she ever wanted, Piper was all that ever mattered.

Growing up, Alex only had her Mom and she only had her love. And when she lost her, she felt like she's lost everything. Not that there was anything else to lose, really. But meeting Piper had made her realize that the life she had growing up taught her that the only thing worth valuing was _love._ And even though Alex only felt it for two people in the entire universe, it was okay because they loved her back and just as much.

And that was the only thing important. But now it seemed like she didn't even have it anymore.

Piper finally questioned whether she really loved her and that hurt more than Alex had anticipated because even though she's always been scared that that day would come, she never really truly believed that it would.

But Piper looked at her that way a while ago, that way where all the imperfections Alex knew she's always had ever since had finally done their job at pushing the only woman she had ever allowed herself to fall in love with, to love this much, away. And she had no idea how to pull her back again because it seemed like every time she tried, it would only do the opposite just like it had today.

And now Alex was lost more than ever, feeling her _home_ slowly shattering away before her own eyes.

-o-o-o-

Piper had been waiting three hours. And she's spent those last three hours going around the house waiting for Alex to come back, sending her texts and attempting to call her only for her calls to remain unanswered. For hours, she refused to leave the living room, not wanting Alex to arrive without seeing her.

But when she couldn't take the waiting anymore, she finally decided to call Nicky, the only person Alex considered her friend, someone she knew even before becoming a part of the cartel who had also become Piper's friend.

"N-nicky?"

"Yo, Chapman!" Nicky answered, sounding more enthusiastic than usual. "What's up?"

"H-hi. Is Alex with you?"

"What? No. Is she not there yet? She's practically spent the entire week preparing for this day and she's not yet there? It's almost midnight."

At that, Piper felt the twitch in her chest again, and the sharp whatever piercing through her heart had twisted she almost couldn't breathe. "Wh-what do you mean?"

"She wanted to spend this day with you, you know being it your anniversary and all that crap, but she said you were gonna be busy at work so she just settled for spending the night with you instead. She was here a while ago but left the house early because she wanted to be there when you arrived. Piper, what happened. Is everything okay?"

Piper's tears were now blurring her sight again and all she wanted to do was take back the last few hours, last few months and bring back the way she and Alex used to be. "N-no, we had a fight and... she left a few hours ago and she still hasn't come back."

"Shit, did you try calling her?"

"Yeah, but she's not answering."

"Sorry, Chapman. I'll try to call her, okay? I'll call you as soon as I know where she is."

"Th-thanks, Nick."

"Hang in there, okay? She'll come home."

"But what if... what if she doesn't feel like this is still home anymore?"

Nicky paused, and suddenly, Piper was scared of the answer. "Piper, all Alex's life, she's only had her mom. And then she lost her and she lost her home, too. But you brought that back to her. Ever since she's met you, you've always been home to her, Piper. So trust me when I tell you that she'll come home. She always does."

When Piper had ended the phone call, she looked at the bedroom and how she wanted to blame it for the fight she had with Alex tonight. It wasn't the reason but as childish as it was, she wanted something to blame other than herself.

So she walked towards it, half-ran, but she stopped on her tracks as soon as she opened the door because it wasn't a mess just like Alex had told her a while ago. In fact, it was the exact opposite as petals of roses were scattered all over the floor and the bed. Unlit candles were also everywhere and putting of their lights was probably what Alex had done when she came in here. It was so beautiful it made the pain in Piper's chest worsen.

For months, Piper waited for a verbal apology from Alex for something she wasn't even sure what for, but looking at the sight in front of her now, she knew that Alex didn't just do this because it was their anniversary, something Piper even forgot. It was also her way of apologizing, because even though Alex was never good with words, she was always at her best through her actions.

And this was her apology.

But Piper ruined all of that.

She suddenly wanted, _needed_ , Alex to be there, to hold her and make her feel like everything is going to get better like she always did. And before she knew it she was crying again, hugging Alex's pillow with a silent plea that it was her she was hugging instead.

-o-o-o-

Piper woke up still holding on tightly to Alex's pillow. For a while, she had forgotten what just happened and she revelled on the scent of Alex that always seemed to calm her. But when she stretched her arm towards Alex's side and realized she wasn't there, everything came back to her and she was suddenly up scrambling for her phone, hoping Alex had finally responded to any of her texts.

But disappointment washed through her when all the messages she had were from Nicky, telling her she couldn't reach Alex, too, but she'd keep trying and would call her if she found her.

It was almost four in the morning and Piper was almost certain that Alex wasn't coming home. But there was still a part of her that believed what Nicky just told her a while ago so once again, she dialled Alex's number and unlike before, finally said something when her call went straight to voicemail.

"Alex... Al, baby. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean what I said earlier. I was tired and I wasn't thinking and I know that's not enough reason but I don't have anything else." Piper felt tears trickling down her chin again but she didn't even bother wiping them now, knowing it wasn't gonna change anything anyway.

"Please come home. I can't... I miss you so much, Al. I love you. And I know you love me, too. Please, baby. Just come home."

But as soon as she put her phone down, she heard some rustling outside and soon she was almost running towards the door, opening it as soon as she could.

And there Alex stood, drunk like Piper had never seen her before, falling immediately to her arms not being able to stand on her own. "Alex!" Piper exclaimed worriedly, wrapping her arms around Alex to keep her still.

"Piper..." Alex slurred, her grasp on Piper "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..."

"Sshhh," Piper whispered, pressing a kiss on Alex's head. "It's okay, Al. Come on, let's get you to bed."

So Piper guided Alex towards their room and laid her down on their bed gently, removing her clothes and changing it with new ones. She was about to get some water for Alex to drink but as soon as she got up, Alex grasped her arm, stopping her. "Pipes, please don't leave me..." Alex whispered, almost unconscious, and the tightening in Piper's chest was almost immediate.

"I'll just get you some water, okay?"

But Alex wasn't listening and her grip on Piper only tightened. "Do you not love me anymore?"

The pain was almost too much for Piper to bear but it wasn't the question that hurt her but the fact that Alex made it sound like she wasn't waiting for a yes or no answer, because she made it seem like she was so certain the answer was no and all she wanted was to know _why_.

And so even though Piper knew that Alex wouldn't remember all of this when she woke up anyway, she answered, not only to assure Alex but also herself, to remind her that no matter how _ugly_ life would seem to them, Alex was the only one she needed to make it _beautiful_ again.

"I love you... so much. And that's something that would never go away, okay? No matter what happens. I love you, Al. And I'm sorry. But we're going to make this work. I know we will."

As Piper witnessed Alex's breathing even out, succumbing to the mix of alcohol and exhaustion and everything else that was weighing her down, she pressed a soft kiss on her lips, knowing that even though they wouldn't be magically repaired the moment Alex would wake up, at least she again had a grasp on the only thing that should have mattered since day one and that was the fact that she and Alex loved each other in a way indescribable by words, its impact stronger than anything Piper had ever had her entire life.

And maybe right now, that was enough.

-o-o-o-

Alex woke up with a raging headache and for a while that was all she felt until she became aware of the arm that was wrapped around stomach. Suddenly, her headache didn't seem like it was there at all anymore as all that she paid attention to was the woman who was sleeping peacefully beside her.

Alex was brought back to the night before and wondered how they ended up waking like this when she was so sure it was almost the end for Piper and her. But she didn't dwell on the thought so much, and was just thankful she may have a chance to still fix this. So she brought her arm up to caress Piper's face, pressing a light kiss on the tip of her nose.

Piper then stirred as her eyes fluttered open, her eyes immediately searching Alex's own. "Al..." Piper then shuffled herself closer to Alex, burying her face on the latter's neck, like she was afraid if she didn't Alex would magically disappear.

"Al, I'm sorry."

"Pipes, I'm sorry."

They both whispered simultaneously, not really needing to say what they were sorry for because they already knew what they were. And that was enough for both of them to pull each other closer, as if words weren't enough to express just how sorry they were for not only last night but for everything else before that.

Alex then hooked her finger under Piper's chin, lifting her face so she could look at her. "I know I fucked up, but I swear I'll fix it, okay? I promise I'll do whatever it takes to make this better."

"I know," Piper said softly, bringing her lips to Alex's and God did it feel so good. She knew there was still a lot of things they needed to talk about but they already took step one in fixing that part of them that seemed to have been broken by circumstances and right now, that was everything Piper needed. "I love you. Promise you won't leave?"

"I promise. You, too?"

"Yeah," And then Piper smiled, so beautiful it hurt. "I'm sorry I ruined our anniversary."

"I love you, too. And no, you didn't. It was bound to happen anyway."

"Yeah? Why's that?"

"Remember last year during our anniversary when we were on our way to the restaurant and you fell on your ass?" Alex chuckled at the memory and soon enough, Piper was joining her and Alex swore to her life that she would do everything she could to hear that beautiful sound coming out of Piper's mouth all the time.

"Thanks for reminding me, asshole."

"How can I not?" Alex quipped back, feeling something within Piper and her go back to its right place. "It's one of my favourite moments of us."

"Of course, it was."

For a while, Alex and Piper just stayed like that, kissing and laughing, and as they let time pass, they'd both come to the realization that no matter how fucked up things were going to be around them, they would always get past it.

Because now they knew what was important, and that was each other, so beautifully imperfect, and yet undoubtedly made to fit together perfectly. It wasn't an easy road, and it sure as hell would rock them all the way through, but maybe, _just maybe_ , being in the ride together was going to make all of those bumps worth it.

-o-o-o-

 **A/N:**

I kind of ended it this way, like everything still hasn't been fixed because canon Alex and Piper still give me the feels that they'd always fuck everything up no matter what happens and they never really try to fix anything the proper way they should. So yeah, I know it sucks, but I hope you liked it anyway. Haha.


End file.
